It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
