So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
