I'm passing your future prison.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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