She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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