This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
