i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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