just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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