I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just had sex on a roof
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
