i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
