I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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