Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
