i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
