trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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