If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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