The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
