he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
organizing the empties. That sober.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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