I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
