accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
