i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
