Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
