my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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