3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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