I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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