The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
