You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
