I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
