Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also, beer. Big fan.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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