now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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