Life is so much better after having sex.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
