One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
