I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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