Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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