btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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