Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
