i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
