just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
