Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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