My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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