worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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