You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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