Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Watching her eat just hurts me
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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