I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
