No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
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sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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