you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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