I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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