i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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