I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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