Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
