i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
