Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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