we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
