Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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