I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
