my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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